Heartbreaker

Miss Samantha,

Remember a few posts back when I told you that I was feelings things again for Doctor, who I haven't heard from since last February when he slept with me and then his crazy gf (she's a stupid girl) blocked him out of my life?

Heard from him today.

Well on that day, I sent him an email to the only email I had of him. I know his email has changed but I was sure that at some point he would check it again. And he did, tonight. What I wrote in the email was:

"I need to hear from you. Just tell me if you are doing ok. Where are you living? How are things going? I miss you. -Carrie

He wrote back tonight:

"I rarely check this email. I'm doing well, med school here is great. I'm class president. I hope everything is going will with you. Again, I'm sorry for the way things turned out. I doubt anything is going to change in our communication for as long as I'm with gf. The whole situation is still a rough spot for us. Be happy. Do good." -Doctor

I think I'm done with that. That was a condescending email. He's not worth my time anymore. Lame. I hope he fails out of medical school. Not replying.

Miss you.

xoxo Carrie

Miss Halfway

Miss Samantha,

Monday was a better day. After last week, I needed to catch a break. It was taking a toll on my mood, my concentration, and my actions. I didn't even go out for my roommates birthday. It was a difficult time.

Luckily, I have a dad who is wonderful and thinks the same way I do. He was the only one who knew what to say.

On Monday, I got back an assignment from a class that I dread. I thought I bombed it because, frankly, I just don't care about that class and was pretty sure I didn't put very much effort into it. Turns out I lost one mark only... I got a 99!

Later that day, while I was working, I had a client who I spent 45 minutes with answering questions and touring him around the facilities. He came back about an hour after I was finished with a gift card to one of my favourite restaurants! It was so generous - it was part of my job!

After work, I got a phone call from a school in the US who is interested in my attending their grad program! I mean, I still have a lot of school left here in Canada and that's not something I would need to decide until the end of the summer - but holy frick! I was so excited! (But, the chances are that I will stay in the cold land we call Canada.)

The week started out great! My roommates have left for the week and I now have the house to myself to catch up on so much work!

Missing you as usual, update me when you get a chance in your busy day!

xoxo Carrie

Fallin'

Miss Samantha,

So much to catch you up on.

No doubt you heard about that tragic accident in the small town. That was a girl from my baseball team this summer - the girl who loved FP. Very sad, she will be missed. Her accident really bummed me out for awhile. It could have been anyone closer to me. So many people drive that road every day - FP for one. I can see the impact this has had on her close friends. I would be devastated.

The investigation found that she was texting and didn't even realize she was at the intersection. She also wasn't wearing her seatbelt. Apparently, she would have been seriously injured, but still alive if she was.

A serious lesson learned: No more texting while you drive, and please wear your seatbelt.

FP was taking it really hard. Not because he was really close to her per se, but he was close to those who were close to her. He also lost a friend a few years back and a lot of those feelings came back. We've both kind of seen that FP has some mood problems - during the summer when we were at the top of our relationship high, I could sense some depression or underlying issues. On Thursday, after the funeral, he called me very, very upset. He said he didn't know what to do anymore. He just wanted to be happy again and now that I wasn't in his life anymore it wasn't going to get better - and he just wanted it to be over. He got in his vehicle. I told him to go back inside. He told me he was going to drive to the city to check himself into an institution. He was asking for help. He told me he loved me and hung up. He wouldn't answer when I called back.

I didn't know what to do, Sam. I was so scared. So heartbroken. The only thing I could think of was to call his mom. I talked to her and she told me "thanks for calling" and hung up. I could tell in her voice that she knew what was going on. I didn't hear from either of them all night. I was so scared. I spent the night with Cat.

The next morning, I kept calling - phone was off. Finally he answered late in the morning. He didn't kill himself. He got an impaired and lost his license, spent the night in the police station. His parents drove down there that night. He was hurting and at the last moment instead of driving into the oncoming transfer truck, he hit the ditch. He stayed there until the police drove by. He said it was the only way he knew how to ask for help. I would have been the last person he talked to if he wouldn't have chosen to drive the other way. His mom called him just as he was in the ditch.

I can't describe to you what I was feeling. I was sad, angry, frustrated, scared, relieved and everything inbetween - I didn't know how to feel. Finally, he's getting the help he's been needing for five years now. He starts counselling on Thursday. He has no license, so he will need to find other ways to remain occupied. His parents and I suggested he go live with them for awhile. That way he'd be able to do his counselling, work at a job, and be in a smaller town so he could get around. Having no vehicle will be a hindrance, but thank god he's alive.

I've been wanting to fill you in with that for the last couple of days but only now am able to talk about it without tears obstructing my view. It's really made me consider things lately. I know that right now I can't be with FP. He needs to do this on his own. I can no longer be his crutch, although he knows I'm there to support him throughout his recovery. All I can say is thank god he's alive - that would have destroyed me for a long time.

I miss you.

xoxo Carrie

Waiting on the Wonderful

Miss Samantha,

I continue to write you, yet you still never respond. Tsk tsk, lady. (Except I know you're busy... so I understand.) This has been my only outlet lately so I will continue to write to keep our readers entertained.

FP is coming to visit me tomorrow. This is our last-chance weekend. I still don't know what's going on. I've been saying that for months now. Cat and I had a good lunch date today (I had to replace you some how...) and she told me to lay out my plans: school, graduation, moving across the country, and career, tell FP about them, tell him you're not planning on getting married anytime soon, and then its in his hands. She told me that I am feeling too much pressure because all of these decisions... whether to continue the relationship, whether he should move here, etc... are my responsibility. I think she's right. I am being pulled in so many directions.

Tonight, I told him all of this and told him that he's a smart person and he needs to challenge himself. He needs a change. I don't think he should continue with his trade, because its not enough for him. That's probably why he's miserable. I told him I don't want to talk every single night about getting oil on his truck and what happened at the pub. I wanted to have a legit conversation and debate something. (You know I love a good debate.) So he brought up privatization of health care in Canada. Haha. He actually made an effort and we had an intelligent conversation. It really brightened my day.

We will see how the weekend goes. I'm pretty sure I'll understand after this weekend, although I did say that at Thanksgiving... meh, either way I'm getting laid.

On another note, my roommate, NursingGirl, is going on a date tomorrow. I'm so excited for her because dates are a rarity among our household. I think I might play dressup :)

As usual,

xoxo Carrie

Single Ladies

Miss Samantha,

I stumbled across an awesome website today... the Best of Craigslist. Check out this post:

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/phi/1363379397.html

Hilarious. I want this girl to be our friend.

Secondly, to all the stupid girls:

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lax/1353695841.html

Here are the only life lessons you'll need.

xoxo Carrie

Already Gone

Hello Miss Samantha,

This weekend, I came very close to breaking things off with FP. I have been an absolute hypocrite to him and its time for me to man up and just end it... I think.

He was out with some stupid girls this weekend when he went to the city and was dancing with girls and they outwardly told him they were DTF (- look it up if you don't know what I'm sayin'). Obviously, because he's madly in love with me, he pushed them away, yet continued to flirt. I decided I didn't like that and raged on him and made him feel bad. He asked me on Saturday night/Sunday morning "Are you telling me you don't want to see me anymore?" I was so close to saying yes. So close. But I didn't.

And now I feel like I'm not going to have a chance to say yes again. The reason I didn't say yes was because I knew he would have hung up the phone and called one of those skanks and I couldn't deal with that.

But on Thursday, I may have made out with Ex. Not EngineerEx, but first college love Ex. And I stayed at his house. And I am so not ok with my attitude right now. I was totally offside, and I'm being really horrible to FP. I don't know what to do. FP is going to be so hurt when I break things off. So hurt. It will crush him. And I love spending time with him, but I dont know if I want that time to be long term. At least right now in my life I do NOT want a long distance serious thing. Its too psychologically stressful for me. I mean, he may be moving to the big city come March, but I dont want him to just for me. That's so much pressure on me. FP doesn't intellectually stimulate me. That sounds horrible too. But I need to be able to have a good conversation with him... something that's not about "this oil jack we fixed today..." I know that FP is intelligent, he just doesn't care. And conversation is something I value. I want to succeed in life, and that succeeding is due to communication in the academic world. I don't necessarily want someone who is in the academic field with me, I want someone who understands the demands that will have on my life and how its going to affect my relationships. Nevermind he told me he wants to be married in 5 years... OUT OF THE QUESTION!

Kelly Clarkson is definitely fitting right now.

Well, thats my little rant for today. What should I do? Should I man up? Should I drag it out? I will be home for awhile at Christmas and need the company... but I feel so guilty about that. Can I have my cake and eat it too? HELP!

Miss You As Usual,

xoxoCarrie

You're Not Sorry

Hey Miss Samantha,

I have to vent to someone. Today has been a really difficult day. And I don't know why...

In 2004, I went on a family vacay to a hot beach and while I was there I met a boy. This boy was amazing. Everything about him is fantastic. He's incredibly brilliant, so breathtakingly handsome, and ridiculously funny - and you know how that gets me. We spent every one of those 7 days together. On the last night that we were there, which happened to be the night before New Years, him and I sat underneath the stars and talked for hours. It was honestly movie-like and I was in heaven... it was perfect.

After the vacation, we kept in contact via email and messaging, since he lives across the country. We kept talking about one day being together again and going on another trip together and when it would be possible to see each other next. We both went through boyfriends and girlfriends, yet still caught up with each other every couple months. Last November, I contacted him again and once again we went back to talking like no time had been lost. Everything just works with him. In December, he sent me flowers telling me how much he missed me and that we would be able to see each other soon. In February, he had a medical school interview in the city and it would finally be a chance for us to see each other again... after 5 years.

The only thing standing in our way was his girlfriend. She began to limit his communication with me, she read all of our emails, our texts and told him he couldn't speak to me anymore. She made him block me on his facebook. I couldn't send him emails because I knew they would be intercepted by her. When he got to the city, he called me anyways and we had dinner at a really fancy place downtown. After dinner when we walked back to my car, he kissed me. I was so caught off guard, and I just melted.

We spent an awesome night together and I won't forget it. When he went back to the other side of the country, he told me that everything that happened was awesome, but he was still with his girlfriend and he stopped talking to me again. I haven't spoken to him since March. I can't stop thinking about him. I know he chose to go to a med school out east instead of out here, but I want to know how he is. I don't have his email address anymore since he moved from his old school and I'm sure that girlfriend still checks his hotmail. I can't facebook him. I just want to talk to him. I want to know how he is. I want to tell him I miss him. Is that crazy? He's just been on my mind so much. But he hurt me... so why do I care? I still think he is perfect for me.

On a less serious note, Bartender wants me to meet one of his friends, ProFootball Player. That'd be hot. :)

Talk soon,

xoxo Carrie