Fallin'

Miss Samantha,

So much to catch you up on.

No doubt you heard about that tragic accident in the small town. That was a girl from my baseball team this summer - the girl who loved FP. Very sad, she will be missed. Her accident really bummed me out for awhile. It could have been anyone closer to me. So many people drive that road every day - FP for one. I can see the impact this has had on her close friends. I would be devastated.

The investigation found that she was texting and didn't even realize she was at the intersection. She also wasn't wearing her seatbelt. Apparently, she would have been seriously injured, but still alive if she was.

A serious lesson learned: No more texting while you drive, and please wear your seatbelt.

FP was taking it really hard. Not because he was really close to her per se, but he was close to those who were close to her. He also lost a friend a few years back and a lot of those feelings came back. We've both kind of seen that FP has some mood problems - during the summer when we were at the top of our relationship high, I could sense some depression or underlying issues. On Thursday, after the funeral, he called me very, very upset. He said he didn't know what to do anymore. He just wanted to be happy again and now that I wasn't in his life anymore it wasn't going to get better - and he just wanted it to be over. He got in his vehicle. I told him to go back inside. He told me he was going to drive to the city to check himself into an institution. He was asking for help. He told me he loved me and hung up. He wouldn't answer when I called back.

I didn't know what to do, Sam. I was so scared. So heartbroken. The only thing I could think of was to call his mom. I talked to her and she told me "thanks for calling" and hung up. I could tell in her voice that she knew what was going on. I didn't hear from either of them all night. I was so scared. I spent the night with Cat.

The next morning, I kept calling - phone was off. Finally he answered late in the morning. He didn't kill himself. He got an impaired and lost his license, spent the night in the police station. His parents drove down there that night. He was hurting and at the last moment instead of driving into the oncoming transfer truck, he hit the ditch. He stayed there until the police drove by. He said it was the only way he knew how to ask for help. I would have been the last person he talked to if he wouldn't have chosen to drive the other way. His mom called him just as he was in the ditch.

I can't describe to you what I was feeling. I was sad, angry, frustrated, scared, relieved and everything inbetween - I didn't know how to feel. Finally, he's getting the help he's been needing for five years now. He starts counselling on Thursday. He has no license, so he will need to find other ways to remain occupied. His parents and I suggested he go live with them for awhile. That way he'd be able to do his counselling, work at a job, and be in a smaller town so he could get around. Having no vehicle will be a hindrance, but thank god he's alive.

I've been wanting to fill you in with that for the last couple of days but only now am able to talk about it without tears obstructing my view. It's really made me consider things lately. I know that right now I can't be with FP. He needs to do this on his own. I can no longer be his crutch, although he knows I'm there to support him throughout his recovery. All I can say is thank god he's alive - that would have destroyed me for a long time.

I miss you.

xoxo Carrie